Location: Madeline LaRue's old house, 55th and University, Hyde Park
This place for me represents a sort of lost innocence and naiveté.
5th grade- getting 'drunk' off of water.
S: "we're soooo cool."
M: "Yeah we are! I'm so drunk right now!"
S: "me too!"
6th grade- Marrissa gets locked in the bathroom during Maddie's 12th birthday
S: "How could you possibly be locked in the bathroom? there are 2 different doors!"
M: "I just broke the doorknob!"
7th grade- I get stuck in the corner between Maddie's bed and the wall
M: "get up!"
S: *in an attempted Southern accent* "I can't! I'm stuck here!"
M: "why do you have a Southern accent??"
S: I revert back to my Texan ways after it gets dark. Y'all just don't know 'cause I try to mask it during school.
10th grade- right before tennis practice
S: "MADDIEEEE! We're gonna be late!" *throws froot loops at the window*
M: "Why are you throwing froot loops at my window??"
Although Maddie moved out of that house after graduation, I still can't help but feel attached to it, especially the stoop where I spent so much time just talking before going back home.
During freshman year, I started staying after school to do Model UN work. I'd spend hours at the Reg until I wanted to smack someone over the head with my AP books. That carefree persona that I had embraced when I was younger somehow dissolved through high school. The cause? A mix of pressure from myself, pressure from my parents to be a straight-A student, pressure from peers, and downward spiral of events that just left a shell of who I was. That probably comes off as really melodramatic, but I definitely don't think that the Stephanie I was in middle school would approve of the Stephanie I became in high school. Then again, I don't think the Stephanie I was in high school would approve of the Stephanie people know me as now either.
I miss the naiveté of thinking everything would be ok and I would never be hurt or let myself be hurt because I thought I had that kind of control. I miss the self-confidence I had going into high school, thinking that the possibilities were endless and I would end up at Brown or Penn. I miss not having to think about the future. I miss thinking of myself as a person who would never hurt anyone I loved, be it as a friend or as more than that.
I've recently realized that I have next to no ability to compartmentalize all of my thoughts. I let things from my personal life constantly get in the way of my academic life. I'm barely scraping by this quarter by doing the minimum amount of work at very poor quality just because I haven't been able to concentrate at all. I try to make myself busy by participating in a bunch of different events but at the end of the day, it hasn't worked that well. I try to talk to people about everything and my friends have been amazing about it but they can't make me stop thinking about everything.
I want to be able to accept where I am in life and what has happened, especially recently. I was watching a TV show while sitting in the common room today and I smiled and my friend said, "Sometimes I hate that smile. On the one hand, I know it's because you're really happy. On the other, I wish you used it more in relation to things that happened in reality to you." And I simply responded with, "I don't want to come back to reality. It hurts." And as soon as that was out of my mouth, I realized how ridiculous that assertion was. Whether I like it or not, I'm growing up. Sure, I can keep looking back on who I was ten or even 2 years ago, but will dwelling in the past help anything?
The "What if"s swarm around my head like an annoying bunch of flies. As another friend here recently told me, "you need to keep doing things like wishing on stars and making wishes at 11:11 because when you stop doing that, it's like you're giving up completely." Right now I'm so scared that I'll completely lose that childlike innocence of thinking wishes at 11:11 can come true. I'm scared that, just like a lot of my friends in high school, my friends in college will soon fade and fall out of touch. I'm so scared of giving up; I'm so scared of moving forward and leaving the past behind; scared that I'll make the same mistakes again. But if I keep living in the past and keep letting the "what if"s attack me, I know it'll ultimately drive me past insanity.
I need to keep making wishes at 11:11.
I need to let myself be happy in reality.
I need to accept that I'm growing up and I need to concentrate on doing well in classes.
I need to let the past go.
