Corner #1

So somehow within the span of a month with blogspot, I fell back into a very similar problem that I had with my Xanga. I guess it's time for a new approach. The new theme is inspired by the song "My Little Corner of the World" by Yo La Tengo. I'm going to take photos of and write descriptions or paste bits of dialogue about different places that have played/still play some significant role in my life. I guess the purpose is to serve as a means of reflection on the past more than anything. So here it goes...

Corner #1: The rightmost bench in the UChicago quads

Thursday, January 18, 2007 (I'll just use "A" for any other people in these posts, "S" for myself)
[20:52] A: stephanie
[20:52] S: yeah?
[20:53] A: what are you doing after school tomorrow?
[20:53] S: nothing, why?
[20:53] A: can you go walk around downtown with me? or something?
[20:54] S: Is everything okay?
[20:54] A: not really
[20:54] A: i just need to talk with you
[20:55] A: oddly enough your the only person i trust
[20:55] S: yeah sure that's fine. you know I'm here for you
...
[21:06] S: Could we meet in the quads? It's just nicer to read there
[21:06] A: ok sounds good
[21:08] S: okay
[21:09] A: this means a lot
[21:10] S: really, it's okay. I'm here for you
[21:12] A: thank you

January 19, after school, on the phone: with person, let's call her B:
B: what're you up to?
S: Well, I'm sitting here in the quads waiting for a friend who said they wanted to talk. I guess they aren't coming though.
30 minutes and 3 unanswered phone calls to A later, S goes home.

January 21, S still hasn't talked to A:
[01:14] S: okay, so this may sound like I'm going crazy, but why is it so hard for you to just respond "I'm fine"?
[01:17] S: damn it. I care about you so much more than I'm supposed to.
[01:29] S: you know how much I care about you and yet you can't even take the time to type "i'm ok" or "ctn" or something?

January 24; first contact of S with A since the 18th:
[23:05] S: hey, I can get you the next $400 by next Tuesday if you want
[23:06] A: that sounds good

which brings us back to May 15, 2006, when the payment plan was first established:
S: i know you don't want to think of yourself as meaning that much in my life. i know the very thought disgusts you. but i don't care. you were the only person from school who ever showed they really cared about me
S: and you were there for me through everything and there is nothing i could ever do to repay you for that
A: well cash is nice
...
A: um how high can i go
S: if you want me paying you 100/ month for life then as high as you'd like
S: i hope you know i'm serious about this
A: then do that


It's hard to believe that was almost 3 years ago. It's been over 2 months since the last time I spoke to A which is the most time that has passed between us in silence since 8th grade. It's a good silence though. To this day it's hard for me to understand why I agreed to the payment plan at all. They always say that people in love resort to irrational things but that was just so extreme that it scares me a little.
I guess what I need to do now is make sure I don't fall back into that same mistake of being irrational, clingy, and emotional with a person I might have fallen in love with. I know I fucked up and I'll have to live with that for a really long time, but somehow it needs to turn out differently this time. For his sake.